Over the last year and a half, I’ve tried to figure out how I’d share my most intimate struggles and allow myself to be vulnerable. I created this space so that could learn to heal through writing, but my hope is that other women can experience healing too. For so long, I suffered in silence because I thought that I didn’t matter or because I was ashamed of my past. I realized that our stories give our lives meaning and meaning is what connects us. Just as I’m learning that my story is important– know that yours is too!
If you were to talk to me two years ago about finding myself, I would have given you the side eye and asked you, “What is it that I need to find?” I had a man who loved and treated me like a queen, a degree, and a job. So, I thought didn’t need to find anything because I had what I needed. My parents and pretty much every baby boomer on the planet told me that after college is the “real” world and that I needed to plan for my future. So that’s what I did. Everything was planned out, my boyfriend and I had started talking about marriage, I was staying at then I was gonna move to Washington, D.C once I got my master’s degree. I had a plan so I was prepared, right?
At the time, I didn’t realize that this plan was missing a crucial part: myself. No one had taught me that in order to go out in this world it is imperative that you know who you are–and I didn’t have the slightest clue. I had survived 24 years of my life without knowing the answer to this question. You notice I said survived and not lived. That’s because I didn’t know how to live life and no one had taught me how. I’ve always been the type of person who gives still there’s no more; pouring so much of my energy into other’s people’s lives and other things that I didn’t have time to think about myself. And honestly, I didn’t want to because facing my past meant I would have to deal with the pain; and I thought that I was not equipped to deal with it.
But you know, life sometimes forces us to get ready for lessons we think we are not prepared to learn. That’s exactly what happened; life shit on my plan and forced me to get ready.
A little over a year ago, my ex-boyfriend, who I thought I would be engaged to right now, broke up with me. I was devastated because I was blindsided by his reasoning which was that he wanted to have sex with other people. Secondly, I was devasted because I had finally found someone not only to tell me he loved me but showed me every day; it was my first functional and healthy relationship. Lastly, I was devasted because this break up reminded me of all my other failed relationships and how I never felt like enough. I was mad as hell! This man became my safety net, upon with I relied on for security, worth, and love; here he was destroying all of that. Like, how dare he take the foundation that we had built away from me. If you can’t tell by now, yes, I am one of those women, that became so engrossed in their relationship, that I lost sight of something so important: myself. Not only did I lose myself, but I was willing to give up my dreams and aspirations just to feel loved and wanted by a man.
After I had cried all the tears I could, I prayed and pleaded with God to fix this because he was the one. The answer ended up being one that I did not want to hear. God, was like “Nah sis.” God’s no became my yes! This moment in my life was forcing me to make a decision I was not willing to do on my own; to focus on myself. Heartbreak was providing me with an opportunity to rediscover myself. Even though I was not jumping for joy about this new opportunity, I realized I was giving myself a gift: a chance. A chance to live my life on my own terms. A chance at loving myself. A chance to redefine who I thought I was. A chance to be the woman I dreamed of becoming.My plan did not work out as I envisioned but what life was offering me was better than what I thought I needed.
My plan did not work out as I envisioned but what life was offering me was better than what I thought I needed.